[aageneral] Defusing Family Anger: 3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
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Article Title:
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Defusing Family Anger: 3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
Article Description:
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Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families.
Follow these tips to learn how to improve family relationships.
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642 Words; formatted to 65 Characters per Line
Distribution Date and Time: Wed May 18 01:09:54 EDT 2005
Written By: Dr. Tony Fiore
Copyright: 2005
Contact Email: mailto:tonyfiore@onepagewebdesign.com
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Defusing Family Anger: 3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
Copyright © 2005 Dr. Tony Fiore
The Anger Coach
http://www.angercoach.com
Esther, 55, and Jim, 71 are successful professionals who married
five years ago. Unfortunately, conflicts have escalated between
Esther and Jims adult children. Things reached the point that
Ester was no longer welcome at holiday family gatherings, and Jim
couldnt invite his children on his prized yacht-club cruises
without suffering accusations of betrayal and lack of loyalty
by one side or the other.
Jim is a mild-mannered retired real estate broker who
unfortunately suffered from a recent diagnosis of cancer. As
a result, like many ill people, he just wanted peace in his
remaining years, a goal that was increasingly eluding him as
family members escalated their conflict with each other.
Whats going on here?
This family was clearly suffering from a lack of empathy. Empathy
requires understanding the perspective of others and being able
to see things from the values and belief systems of other family
members.
However, Esther was unable to comprehend and accept that she was
putting Jim in an impossible position of constantly having to
choose between his love for her and his love for his adult
children.
The children, on the other hand, saw Esther as a young gold-
digger who was ultimately going to take what they considered
their inheritance. They were unable to see that Esther truly
loved her older husband or that Jim had a basic right to do with
his money as he wishedincluding spending it in ways they might
consider foolish.
What Lack of Empathy Means
Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families. It
is a sign that family members are only thinking of themselves
and are only concerned with their own ideas and feelings not
others. Relatives lacking empathy push only their own issues
while not seeing or caring about the needs of others.
While lack of empathy can lead to years of family conflict,
arguing and bickering, the good news is that you can increase
your empathy by practicing the following three basic skills:
Keys to Developing Empathy
Key #1. Learn to listen. Empathic listening goes further than
ordinary listening. It is listening while you suspend your normal
filters that distort what you hear. It is listening without
judgment understanding, rather than defending or attacking.
The first step was for Esther and her husbands children to sit
down and hear each other out in the presence of a trusted
family friend who served as a mediator. While they were still at
odds with each other at this point, at least they had made a
start in better understanding.
Key #2. Eliminate barriers to effectible communication. This
involves becoming mindful of the message conveyed by the phrases
you use as well as your tone of voice, facial expressions, and
your posture or stance.
Esther, for example, frequently chopped the air with her hands
when discussing things with family members which instantly put
the relatives on the defensive and made them not trust her.
The childrens communications style made Esther dig her heels in
deeper when they browbeat her with phrases like if you dont
like it, then... and they rarely made eye contact with her. A
simple way to improve remove barriers is to picture yourself on a
video cam hanging form a corner of the room. Ask yourself, what
am I communicating as seen or heard on the video cam?
Key #3. Practice Acceptance. Acceptance is the ability to see
that others have a right to their feelings and viewpoints. The
first step to acceptance is when you learn to accept an
unchangeable reality by changing your feelings about it.
For example; Maybe Esther does have a financial interest in
Father, but she takes good care of him, and they love each other
..so who am I to say that the trade-off isnt appropriate?.
As you develop empathy, you will find it increasingly difficult
to remain angry.
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Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist,
and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach,
provides anger and stress management programs, training and
products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign
up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at:
http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.
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