[aageneral] Introverts Can Network and So Can You

TITLE: Introverts Can Network and So Can You
AUTHOR: Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
WORD COUNT: 1,201
WRAP: 60
URL: http://www.susandunn.cc
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

"Introverts Can Network and So Can You,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Tomaso arrives at the office with a bag of breakfast tacos
for the staff. He sells paper, a highly competitive
business, and he's a top salesman for his company. Tomaso
is also an introvert.

The smart people have always known that business is about
relationships. Now it's called "networking," and it's
always been the way to make money. Twenty years ago, my
mentor told me, "Here's the key, Susan. People do business
with people they like and trust. That's all you need to
know." Networking is the only way to do that.

Fear of strangers is absolute human nature, and you deny
this at your peril. It's monumentally important in today's
multicultural environment. It's survival instinct to be
wary of people we don't know and to notice differences.
These reactions which come from the reptilian brain are
strong and unavoidable. In our animal brains, any human
could potentially harm us.

So initially we react with suspicion to what we don't know.
We may over-ride it with all the things we know
intellectually, but it's an over-ride. In other words it
takes time. In good response fashion (vs. "reacting") we
move from the reptilian brain up to the limbic (social
instincts, which we also have) and then the neocortex (what
we know intellectually).

Building relationships is all about giving the other person
time to experience you and to get over any negative initial
impressions. Relationships build slowly and they run on
talking. There's no such thing as small talk; it's all big!

So how can an introvert do this when extroverts appear to have
the edge? They're over-represented in the higher levels of
management, and show up anywhere more often. Since there
are more extroverts, and since they are more "in your face,"
most situations are geared toward their preferences. So we
have Chamber mixers where people can run around handing out
their cards which are quickly deposited in the circular file
as soon as the person returns to their office, but the savvy
introvert goes about it differently.

Let's look at how Tomaso works. The receptionist, Maria, is
his entry point. He watches and listens to her closely with
the great intuition most introverts have. He calls and say,
"Hi chica, I'm bringing breakfast tacos tomorrow. Let
everyone know." Notice that he doesn't try a manager, or
the CEO.

Maria likes him immediately, so she helps him out. "Good,"
she says. "That other guys brings cookies and we want
breakfast tacos. Bring potato and egg, chorizo and egg, and
bacon and egg. And label them."

Tomaso does exactly that. When he arrives, he gives Maria
the bag, and she goes to work. She announces the breakfast
tacos have arrived.

Meanwhile, Tomaso knows Maria can't leave the desk, so he's
brought her the kind of tacos she likes, with a plate, salt
and pepper, and a small container of hot sauce. He's
thoughtful. He notices.

Then Tomaso walks down the hall to Christina's office.
Christina's Anglo, Germanic background, formal and reserved,
but he knows she will be polite.

"Hi chica," he says. "The tacos are here." Then he stands
there with a big smile on his face and says nothing else,
just looks available and quizzical. Christina's in upper
level management and swings into action. He just follows
her sophisticated lead in conversation.

Then they move down to the break room where people have
gathered. Tomaso enters and takes the extended hand of
Saul, the CFO and shakes it firmly. Saul's a talker, and
all Tomaso has to do is listen to Saul brag. His eyes
senses remain alert to who else is entering the room. He
takes the temperature and listens for conversational cues.
(Perhaps there's mention of a new copier, or the power
failure of the day before.)

Anne walks in. An introvert, she's the most important
person to Tomaso. She works for the Supply Manager, the one
who orders the paper.

Tomas moves over toward Anne, remaining at the farther
distance introverts prefer, and just beams, radiating
warmth. He relaxes his body, extends his palms slightly
forward, suggesting, though not initiating a hug. He knows
Anne's the "mother" of the group, and suspects she will hug
him. Which she does, but he knows to let the introvert lead.
He's just available for what will likely transpire.
And so it proceeds. Keen to the different personalities
he's dealing with, he works the room mostly by standing
there smiling.

When he leaves, Anne asks, "Is he the one who's wife is
expecting?" No one can answer. Things went well; Tomaso
didn't talk about himself. Much of what we call "relating,"
has to do with listening, with a few filler phrases and
nonverbals. Here are a few. Say and do them without
anxiety, and you'll have most of the work done:

--Raise your eyebrows and say, "Oh really?"
--Purse your lips and furrow your brows and say, "Is that
right? I didn't know that."
--Smile, maintain an open body posture, move slowly, observe
preferred distances in position, and say just about anything
light and inconsequential: "Good to see you," "Boy, red is
really your color," or "How about them Bears?"
--Use facts with men; talk to women about their appearance.
Nothing suggestive, of course. Notice a bracelet, a ring.

Notice that Tomaso calls all the women "Chica," (no
translation) - just affectionate and complimentary, with no
sexual overtones. And notice he calls ALL the women this;
don't play favorites.

The less you say the better, and of course avoid
controversial topics, which can sometimes include such
innocuous topics as weather and traffic, if they're
particularly bad. It's been over 100 degrees here for a
week, 102 yesterday, and it was THE ONE THING nobody was
talking about. Avoiding the most obvious thing on your mind
is often a good policy.

When in doubt, talk about what's right in front of you. For
instance, about the tacos - "Did you find one you like? Did
I bring enough hot sauce?"

"What's new?" always works. So does, "How are you doing?"
The introvert is the perfect audience for the extrovert, and
in work groups, you can both expect far more extroverts, and
count on that many of the introverts will be acting like
extroverts. There's far less need to make conversation than
you may fear.

Things to avoid? Anything heavy, including being "too"
anything. The trick is to appear like you're not trying at
all. Resist urges to get introspective, say anything
significant, or teach anything. For more specific tips, see
"Networking for Introverts."

At the bottom line, all that's required of you is that you
show up, and stay out of trouble. The less you say, the
less likely you'll be to get into trouble, which is easy for
interoverts. Since most people are clamoring for attention
and dying to be heard, your work is a whole lot easier than
you might think. Smile, listen, be light and neutral, stay,
and return.

©Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional
intelligence for your personal and professional success.
"Networking for Introverts" is available on her website.
Training and certification for EQ coaches - fast,
affordable, comprehensive and no-residency.
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.

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