[aageneral] What to Look for in the Person You Marry

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TITLE: What to Look for in the Person You Marry
AUTHOR: Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
WORD COUNT: 1100
WRAP: 60
URL: http://www.susandunn.cc
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

"What to Look for in the Person You Marry,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Keely is 30 and has been married for about 6 months. Last
time we talked, she was expressing dissatisfaction with the
man she'd married. They had disagreements over political
issues that were influencing where they shopped, where he
worked, and what TV shows they watched. She was wondering
if she should've gotten married at all.

"Why did you marry him?" I asked her, and there was a long
silence. Finally, "Because I was in love with him?" she
replied, and it came out as a question. "I guess I never
thought about that," she added.

Because I coach people, I hear the many different reasons
why people marry the people they do, but it often comes out
in terms of unmet expectations. When we aren't clear about
what we want out of marriage, regardless of the person
involved, and don't check things our beforehand, it can lead
to heartbreak.

What we expect from marriage is deeply ingrained is us, from
our families of origin, and from our culture. You may come
from a background that assumes the man will be the provider,
and the woman will take care of the house, and both spouses
will take an active part in child-rearing -- not just wiping
noses, but training, values and character development. If
you marry someone whose expectations are the same, things
will go fairly smoothly.

But what if you're a man with the above expectations, who
marries a woman who comes from a family where the women all
had active and successful careers, and also took major
responsibility for the upbringing of the children, wanting
only for the man to provide his portion of their upkeep, but
to stay out of the training?

There are many expectations we have about marriage, and we
might as well call them emotional needs, because if they
aren't met we aren't going to be very happy. It can destroy
the love we initially had for the person. The better you
can define these assumed needs to yourself, and to the
person you're considering marrying, the better the chances
of finding someone who feels the same way.

Vocabulary is very important here. I hear many men, for
instance, saying they want "companionship." Fred said that
in his second wife he wanted "companionship," and he fell in
love with Lisa. Lisa wanted companionship too. The trouble
arose when it turned out companionship meant to Lisa someone
to talk to, share ideas, feelings and thoughts with, and
relate closely intellectually and emotionally, with lots of
open conversation, and to Fred, it meant recreational
companionship. He wanted someone to sail, bike ride and
play tennis with him, and without a lot of talking. Lisa
and Fred both wanted someone they could hang out with, but
the nature of that hanging out was very different, and,
ultimately unbridgeable.

In the meantime, there can be those stalemate fights that
turn into imbroglios, where the man yells at the woman, "But
I want companionship (play golf with me)" and the woman
yells back, "But I'm giving you companionship. (I love to
talk to you)" Or she says, "I wanted you to help raise the
children" (teach them) and he replies, "Well I earn all the
money, don't I?"

Some of things we expect from a marriage include:
recreational companionship, intellectual companionship,
physical affection, verbal affection, esteem, admiration,
respect, financial support, domestic support, intense
emotional relating (which is also called "companionship"),
sexual fulfillment, working toward idealistic goals (such as
political activism), fidelity, one who prefers to lead or to
be led, good looks, athletic ability, a genetic parent for
your children, and so forth. Define as well how you want
these manifested. Admiration can be silent or vocalized.
Affection can be physical or verbal.

As you read these, if you ASSUME that one or more of them is
what everyone wants, you particularly need to pay attention,
because in actuality it's amazing what people do want and
expect that other people don't.

It's important to know what you want, and then to observe
the person you're considering marrying. Tom, for instance,
primarily wanted a homemaker and recreational playmate from
a wife. Middle-aged, he fell in love with a woman in her
mid-30s who had never been married. This should have been a
red-flag that domestic life probably wasn't what she was
interested in. Once married, she became ardently interested
in a career, since he provided her the opportunity to get
further education, and as she turned her focus there, all
hopes of recreational companionship for Tom vanished. She,
on the other hand, had expected emotionally oriented
conversation from him (openness), and joint accelerating
career and financial goals. To him, "she never cooked or
cleaned house." To her, "he just wanted to play."

It is devastating when we love someone and find out too late
they aren't interested in the same things. It is hard to
trade off meeting needs that really aren't felt and enjoyed,
and accommodation isn't always possible, i.e., you either
are faithful or you aren't, you either want kids or you
don't. If you want financial support from a man, it's best
to find one who really loves to make money. If you want
physical affection from a woman, it's best to find one who
can't keep her hands off you. These things can't be faked,
but, sometimes, when falling in love, we fool ourselves and
therefore fool the other person.

Issues can become clouded during courtship, especially when
there is sex too soon. Physical intimacy causes those
wonderful chemicals that cloud our thinking, and start the
bonding process. We can start to need and want a person who
ultimately may not be able to meet our marital needs.

Take some time to envision carefully what you want marriage
to look like. Observe the person you have in mind in
different situations. For instance, Tom might have noticed,
if he hadn't been so "in love," that his partner didn't know
how to cook and was never at home. She, on the other hand,
might have noticed most of his time and enthusiasm went into
his recreation, and that he was content with his job and
financial situation the way they were.

Nothing is insurmountable, but you increase your chances by
being mindful at the outset. Couples survive the
infertility of one when they both wanted children, and a
spouse can learn to verbalize, or make physical, the
affection they feel, if they want to please, but the couch
potato and amateur athlete who marry will can't accommodate,
and the career-driven women won't be happy baking bread and
being available for tennis games.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional
intelligence for your personal and professional success.
Training and certifying EQ coaches. Email for information
on this affordable, fast, effective, no-residency program.
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE EQ ezine.

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